Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Did I lose my husband tonight?

My name is Sam McCall-Morgan and I think I lost my husband tonight.

That is quite an introduction to my diary, huh? But I need a place to vent and why not here where its private though I really need someone to believe in me, someone to understand me, to accept me, but maybe no one will or can. Maybe its too damn much to ask. Maybe I just royally fucked up the way Jason told me I did and I deserve whatever's coming to me.

His words, his movements, the coldness in his eyes at the church tonight ... Its all ingrained in my memory. Forever. It will never go away. I close my eyes and its there, haunting me, telling me that I don't deserve him. That I don't deserve anything. There were so many things I could have said back, but I didn't and my protests were weak and uninspired. He didn't want to hear any of it. I think he hates me. I really do. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting him. I was so scared of losing him, of my baby growing up like Emma Drake with one parent missing from their life. I know Jason would be an amazing father and I was scared of our child losing him. Imagine if he could never hold our baby, never enrich his or her life. The thought terrified me so I reacted the only way I thought I could. And he hates me for it. He absolutely hates me. My heart is breaking.

The oddest thing was that some man came to the church tonight while I was sitting there after Jason had gone, talking to Robin's picture, asking her to understand what my husband couldn't. I was in tears, near sobbing actually, and then I felt a hand on my shoulder. And for a moment, for the briefest moment, I thought it was Jason. The touch was soft and tender. It had to be Jason. But I turned around and my hopes were dashed. It was this man I think I knew in some past life or something. His says his name is John McBain but I don't remember him being called that. I do know I remember him from somewhere though. But the thing that really got me was the compassion I saw in his eyes. He didn't remember me so its like he didn't know me but he still tried to understand me. We talked and he didn't judge me. But the whole time I was sitting there I was thinking, Jason, why can't Jason be the one saying and doing all the right things? Why cant he look at me like that? Why cant he try to understand?

But it wasn't Jason. It was a nice man, yes, but he wasn't my husband. He may never come back to me. I am sitting in our house tonight but it doesn't feel like home right now. I am holding my growing belly with one hand as I hunt and peck the keys with the other. It strikes me how alone I am. Did I lose my husband tonight?

1 comment:

  1. I love this. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. It sounds so much like Sam. I want to reach in and give her a hug and tell her that Jason loves her.