Friday, March 23, 2012

He didn't come home last night ...

I waited up all night for my husband, sick - physically sick - with worry and fear, and yet he didn't come home. I really believed I had lost him forever. When he finally came back to the penthouse, I was almost sure he was going to ask me to leave. Not that he would have to; I was prepared to go if that's what he needed and wanted. My mom already said I could stay with her. (My mom who is being very supportive despite not being a huge fan of my husband.)

His eyes were so cold at first. So very cold. I didn't see the love in those beautiful blue eyes. He also looked conflicted about coming back here, coming back to me. That's all I could see at first. I was talking to Alexis on the phone when he came in and I told her I would call her later. Jason approached me slowly. He looked very uncomfortable, especially when I said I was worried when he didn't come home last night. He told me he didn't mean to worry me but it didn't take away the sickness and fear I felt. Especially when he told me that he had run into Elizabeth of all people at his and Robin's footbridge. A part of me thought, for the briefest moment, that he said it to hurt me but I know Jason. He isn't vindictive so I had to try to not overreact. You would have been so proud of me. I kept my calm though I think another little piece of me died inside.

We argued some more. Even when I told him that I would have done the same thing all over again. And I would have. I wanted to give him time to heal. I would have given him time to grieve. I wanted him to have that time but the thought of not having him around, of our baby never knowing the warmth of their father's arms, scared me. But Jason finally said he knew that I had been scared. And before I knew it, we were making up. He said he loved me and of course I told him the same. Which is so true. He is my whole world. I don't know what I would do without him. I don't think I could ever cope if I lost him.

We talked some more, we kissed, we made up. We were headed upstairs even when Spinelli came knocking at the door. Spinelli. Dear Spinelli. It wouldn't have honestly been a reunion without him and I said so.

But the truth is, Jason and I are happy again. We will weather this storm together. We have to. I need him. I love him. Our baby needs him. I refuse to let anything else come between us ever again.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Did I lose my husband tonight?

My name is Sam McCall-Morgan and I think I lost my husband tonight.

That is quite an introduction to my diary, huh? But I need a place to vent and why not here where its private though I really need someone to believe in me, someone to understand me, to accept me, but maybe no one will or can. Maybe its too damn much to ask. Maybe I just royally fucked up the way Jason told me I did and I deserve whatever's coming to me.

His words, his movements, the coldness in his eyes at the church tonight ... Its all ingrained in my memory. Forever. It will never go away. I close my eyes and its there, haunting me, telling me that I don't deserve him. That I don't deserve anything. There were so many things I could have said back, but I didn't and my protests were weak and uninspired. He didn't want to hear any of it. I think he hates me. I really do. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting him. I was so scared of losing him, of my baby growing up like Emma Drake with one parent missing from their life. I know Jason would be an amazing father and I was scared of our child losing him. Imagine if he could never hold our baby, never enrich his or her life. The thought terrified me so I reacted the only way I thought I could. And he hates me for it. He absolutely hates me. My heart is breaking.

The oddest thing was that some man came to the church tonight while I was sitting there after Jason had gone, talking to Robin's picture, asking her to understand what my husband couldn't. I was in tears, near sobbing actually, and then I felt a hand on my shoulder. And for a moment, for the briefest moment, I thought it was Jason. The touch was soft and tender. It had to be Jason. But I turned around and my hopes were dashed. It was this man I think I knew in some past life or something. His says his name is John McBain but I don't remember him being called that. I do know I remember him from somewhere though. But the thing that really got me was the compassion I saw in his eyes. He didn't remember me so its like he didn't know me but he still tried to understand me. We talked and he didn't judge me. But the whole time I was sitting there I was thinking, Jason, why can't Jason be the one saying and doing all the right things? Why cant he look at me like that? Why cant he try to understand?

But it wasn't Jason. It was a nice man, yes, but he wasn't my husband. He may never come back to me. I am sitting in our house tonight but it doesn't feel like home right now. I am holding my growing belly with one hand as I hunt and peck the keys with the other. It strikes me how alone I am. Did I lose my husband tonight?